And just like that…

This cycle is over. AF showed yesterday, CD25 3 days after my positive OPK. What the hell??

I go from ridiculously LONG cycles, to the shortest one of my life. I’m over it, I’m over being stressed out and testing my urine 5 bazillion times a day, I’m over scheduling sex, and taking hormones, I’m over obsessing about every twinge, pain, funny feeling, analyzing, reading, researching. I’m over all of it.

We’ve been blessed to have one child already, he’s beautiful and funny and the light of my life, and maybe that’s all I’m supposed to have, maybe he’s supposed to be an only child, and you know what – that’s ok, it’s just fine, it’s good, and I’m lucky, lucky to have him.

So for now, I’m setting aside the charts, the drugs, the pee sticks. We’ll enjoy our life and if it happens it happens. I’ll be 30 in March, I’m giving myself until then, if we don’t conceive naturally by then, I’ll probably go get an IUD or some type of BC. My hubby will be 42 in November and really we don’t want to end up pregnant when I’m 40 and he’s looking at an early retirement, he doesn’t want to be 53 and starting over with new baby, looking at 60 when that child went to school, so for now I’m handing over all the control, if it happens fantastic, if not that’s ok to.

and I’m sad.

Houston we have ovulation!!

Two lines equally dark – wait, what? Huh? I’ve not seen that before. Hmmmm….

Let me just say thank the Lord I went ahead and bought the digital OPK’s to use as back-up for when the lines on traditional OPK's looked positive, because seeing that smiley face was AWESOME!! I ovulated, granted it’s CD-22 and well, that’s a tad late, but Oh.My.God - I ovulated!! I’m officially in the two week wait!! Bring on the pregnancy pee sticks!! WOOOT!

Kick me while I’m down…

We had to put our beloved 9 year old Lab, to sleep on Saturday. Seriously, I’ve lost way too much in the last 6 months, too much. I miss him so much it hurts, I miss him barking at 4:50 on the dot because he knew daddy would be home at 5:00 to feed him diner. I miss his slobbery kisses, the way he loved ice cubes. I miss the way he inhaled treats and always wanted more. I miss the way he’d always put his paw on my foot and just rest it there. I miss his stinky breath and his big head, the way he loved his belly rubbed and ears scratched – I just miss him so very much.

I don’t think Clomid is working, I’m on CD17 and have yet to get a positive OPK. While the last few days I have had EWCM, the OPK’s still come up obviously negative, I’ve even used the digitals on the days that the test looks even remotely close to being positive, and it always comes up negative, no happy face for me. So I’m guessing that 50mg just wasn’t enough and probably 50,000 wouldn’t be enough either.

Meem's:

April 10, 2000 - June 27, 2009

We miss you so much Meemer's, so much...

Clomid – Round 1

So far – well, nothing really…?

Today is CD-10, I finished my clomid 3 days ago, I’ve yet to have a single side effect, no headaches, no hot flashes, not ovary pains/twinges etc… Everything has been seemingly normal if not good. I read somewhere that you should drink a lot of water while on clomid (to help reduce headaches) so I’ve been drinking a ton and maybe it’s working? OR, maybe the clomid is not going to work for me at all?? I started OPK’s today to see if we’ll actually ovulate, I so don’t trust my body though, so I’m doubtful. Next cycle (if this one doesn’t work) we’ll go to 100mg of Clomid, then 200mg the 3rd cycle if I’m still not ovulating after that, my OB said she’d send me to an RE. I don’t think we’ll go that far though, if these next 3 months (cycles) don’t produce a pregnancy and God willing a baby, we’re done. We have one son who we know that we’re incredibly fortunate and blessed to have, and while we’d love for him to have a sibling and for our family to feel more complete, there’s only so much we can emotionally handle.

I wish I could stay positive and not be feeling like I already need to prepare for all of this to fail, I am only on CD10, but I think the lack of side effects has me feeling like it’s not going to work. I should be thankful that I’m not miserable and instead I feel like a failure because I’m not. Insane right?? It’s just hard when every message board, everything I read, everyone I talk to is going on and on about how their side effects started immediately after taking their first clomid pill, and here I am with nothing – I feel broken and left out and odd and like it must not be working for me. Sigh…

Maybe the universe decided to throw me a bone?? Maybe clomid will work with out the side effects and someday I’ll look back and laugh at how silly I am/was?? Maybe just maybe I’ll end up with a sibling for my son, another child for our angel to watch over from heaven, maybe just maybe someday I’ll learn to trust my body, or believe in its ability to do what it was made to do, or at least maybe someday I’ll just be ok with the way things are, maybe I’ll accept that my life is not what I dreamed, but just as wonderful and blessed all the same. Every day is a struggle, every day I miss our 2nd son, every day I long to carry our 3rd child, to give our son a sibling. Yeah, everyday is a struggle.

Here we go

AF finally showed on CD 39 (Friday the 12th). I guess in the current situation – better late than never. So that makes today – CD3, or the day we start Clomid. I took the first pill about an hour ago, so far so good. I’m nervous, scared, anxious, and a bit in disbelief that it’s finally here, and we’re finally trying again. Deep breaths… So now I’m just wondering how soon the side effects of said clomid will hit, if they even do. Maybe I’ll get lucky?? Ha!!

Waiting…

Today marks CD34, so yeah still waiting on AF. I was all pissy that she should have showed on Friday (my due date) and I was all “how freakin’ great and ironic is that”, and now here I am 2 days later being even more pissy that she didn’t show on the 5th because, “that day sucked anyway, so it just would have fit and where the hell is she, and why is my body so screwed”, so, turns out I’m just pissy. Which could be a sign that AF is going to show, but I doubt it. Why on earth now that I have clomid and I’m finally ready to start trying would my body cooperate and do something correct or natural, oh no, not my screwed up body, it’d never do something NORMAL!!

Grrrrr…..

Due.

Today was your due date, I can’t believe it’s already here, I can’t believe I lost you so long ago, it still feels like it was just yesterday. In some ways today is not as bad I as I thought it might be and in some ways it’s worse. I want to be hopeful for the future, I want to be content with carrying you in memory, in my heart, but I’m not quite there yet. I still want you in my arms, I want to feel you, to kiss you, to be your mommy. Your big brother still asks about you, he doesn’t quite understand heaven and why he can’t just go there and get you back for me. He tells me, “Mommy, since you lost your baby, I’ll be your baby”, and it’s the sweetest thing and it breaks my heart all over again. I’ve tried so hard to keep my pain from him, but I know it’s seeped through and I’m sorry for that. Your daddy and I are going to try again for another baby, not to replace you because no one or nothing ever could, but to add to our family. Another baby will never erase our memories of you, the dreams we had for you and of you, you will always ALWAYS be our son, it doesn’t matter to us that you never had life outside of mommy’s womb, you are our son, and we love you. I’m so angry that you are not here with us, I’m so angry that there is nothing I can do to fix it, to change it, to bring you back. Ok, so maybe today just is as hard as I thought it would be, the truth is today sucks and really every single day since 12/22/08 has sucked, it’s not right, you should be here with me, I should be exhausted from sleepless nights and in desperate need of a shower. You should be snuggled beside me, in my arms, sleeping on my chest, not in a cold urn on a shelf. I’m sorry sweetheart, but I’m still angry and I can’t shake it and I want to move on and be ok, because I know that’s what you expect of me, to be ok and live my life, but right now all I want is you. I want our family of four, I want you.

Here we go…

Met with Dr. today, got a prescription for Clomid 50mg.

We talked a lot about cervical incompetence and how we just really don’t know if that was the case or not with our loss in December, she’s leaning towards no. She agreed that we would keep an eye via u/s on my cervix and if there was any indication in the least bit that it was shortening we would go ahead with a cerclage.

The only thing I’m concerned about (ha! the only thing, yeah right!!) is that she wants me to continue with Prometrium, CD 14-27 even if I ovulate, etc… I’m worried that if I do get pregnant that stopping the extra progesterone at the end of the 2ww (or around 4 weeks gestation) that it could cause me to miscarry. She said no, but from what I’ve read it seems possible. A lot of things I’ve read seem to show that most women on progesterone stay on it for quite some time during their pregnancy, and I’m sure that it’s because their body doesn’t produce the right amount on their own maybe, but with me having cycles that were upwards of 70 days prior to starting the prometrium, and that now that I’m on it, I get AF about 4 days after stopping it (when the progesterone level obviously drops) I’m just worried that, that drop will cause me to miscarry. Then again though, if my body is producing enough (when I truly am pregnant) then it should be fine…. AHHHH!!! Can’t I just get a guarantee!!! Yeah… not so much.

So now we wait for AF and then on to clomid days 3-7, and then the “fun” begins. Wish me luck.

In other news, it’s 4 days away from our angels due date. I still feel like its December 22nd. I can’t believe this much time has gone by so fast.

Scheduled.

I held on to the phone for a good 10 minutes before I got up the nerve to call. AF is due on June 5th, of all days right, why not be my due date, figures. I kept telling myself, if she (Dr.) can’t get me in before the 5th then we’ll just wait another month, maybe we should just wait another month, maybe we should just wait forever…. So I called, and she can see me on the 1st….

We’re moving forward (most likely with clomid). I’m terrified that it won’t work, I’m terrified that it will.

Time

Time heals… Just give yourself some time… In time you’ll feel better…

Time right this moment is not helping, it’s hurting. I can’t help but think, would he be here, would he have come early, would we be scheduled for a c-section this Wednesday like originally planned, would I have opted to wait and attempt a vbac, would I already be home, holding him, nursing him?? I often find my arms feeling so empty, my body so empty – where is my baby they scream, why are we not full!?!? I don’t know how to stop this pain, I don’t believe in time, time doesn’t help, time just takes me farther and farther away from him.

Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I hate that you were taken from me so early, too early for you to make it on your own, you needed more time, we needed more time, so much more. I can’t help but dream of what could have been, what it would have been like to have you home, to hold you and bathe you and nurse you just like we did with your big brother. I can’t help but dream of what it would have been like to see him hold you and love you and press kisses to your forehead. I wish that I had the answers baby, I wish that I could change the past, that I could make it different, that you could be here. I need you so much, I want you so much. Carrying you in my heart is not enough, I want you in my arms, I want you here. I’m so sorry sweet boy, so so sorry.

Love,
Momma

Mother’s Day…

Mother’s day was very different for me this year. It was good, it was sad, it was just another day. On one hand I have my beautiful boy, he’s 3 and full of life and love and happiness and I don’t know where I’d be without him. He made me a momma, he’s taught me all about unconditional love and enjoying the moment, so for him the day was wonderful and a day of being thankful for all that I have. On the other hand, I kept thinking about our angel, our sweet little Gavin who should have been happily kicking me from the inside on mother’s day, who should be making his debut so soon. No one mentioned him all day and that sort of made me even sadder. I didn’t expect anyone too really, but I thought maybe. My hubby always helps my son make me a homemade mother’s day card and while it was beautiful and I loved it and will always cherish it, I know without a doubt that if I was still carrying Gavin, he would have been included in the card as well. I feel like he’s being forgotten, and I get it, I really do, but it’s so hard for me, I’m still not ready to let go, but I have nothing to hold on to. Life goes on, and you have to keep living it, and I want to keep living it, for myself, my son, my husband, for everyone and yet, how can you keep on living, keeping on going, doing, being when a huge part of your heart, your life is missing?

Trust…

Well AF arrived, a day and a half later than expected, but showed none the less. It made me realize just how little I trust my own body, but then again, how do you trust something that failed you so dramatically. I know that I’m going to try to conceive again soon but I’m so scared, I’m terrified to put that trust in my body. I’m frightened to go on faith, on trust…

Lately I tend to feel a little more panicky. I feel like there is a major meltdown just under the surface, I’m not sure if it’s the weeks closing in so fast on my due date, or that my friend who I was “supposed” to be pregnant with just had her baby, or what, but I feel this bubble in my head, in my mind, and it feels like if at any moment it might pop. Some days I can’t believe that this is me, this is my life now, I carry with me a child in my heart and only in my heart and it just feels so wrong. I feel like I look for constant distraction and it’s driving me insane. I’m so blessed in my life and I know that, I see it all around me in the smiles of my older son, who is my heart, my light, my life, and I wonder how can I feel this sadness, this pain when I have him, but it’s there and it’s real and it’s at moments so consuming that I fear I’m failing my live son, my live husband, the people who need me most, and I just don’t know what to do, or how to do it. I keep thinking after June 5th, my due date will have passed, I’ll be able to move on, but then will it just be, “he should be a week, a month, a year…” I wonder if getting pregnant and possibly having another will help, or what if the worst happens and I lose another, how could I ever handle that, I think I’d lose it completely and yet, I know very well it could happen. Bottom line, I’m scared, I’m scared for so many things.

Waiting for AF….

Tic Toc, Tic Toc…

Yeah, so apparently things won’t go as planned. Go figure. No ovulation, now no AF.

I’m so tired of this, why can’t my body just act normal, heck, why can’t my body just act normal when it’s being forced to be normal with chemical substances?!?! F#%k!!!

So...

Well, here we are at CD23, I’ve peed on about 127 OPK’s and they’ve all come up a blaring NEG. Surprised?? Not so much. I kind of knew this would happen; the part that sucks the worst is that I have to do it all over again next cycle. My Dr. wants two full cycles of Prometrium (devil drug) and checking for ovulation before moving on to Clomid. Which hey by the way, I’ve never gone down the Clomid path before, so if you’re reading and you have, by all means feel free to share your experiences. I mean, I’ve googled until my brain hurts, but it’s just different hearing real life experiences. Ya know??

The 22nd marked 4 months since we lost our angel. He’s now been officially gone longer than he was with me. Wow, that really sucked to type. I think overall I’m doing ok, but there are still days or moments where I feel just so heartbreakingly sad. I pulled his urn out today for the first time in quite awhile, usually I just hold the box that it’s in, not quite able to hold the actual urn, it always feels so cold. Today though, I was able to hold it for awhile, it’s always shocking to me just how tiny it is. When we originally decided to have him cremated we had thoughts of scattering his ashes, not realizing that there really wouldn’t be ashes left, I was shocked the first time we opened the urn, inside is a small plastic bag that has the metal tag for cremation and the smallest amount of ashes you can imagine, which I know logically makes sense, I mean he was so teeny tiny, but it’s still pretty much like getting punched in the gut to see just the few little ashes that are left.

I had thought that I would want to be pregnant again before my due date, and I know now that it’s not going to happen and I’m ok with that. I can’t even begin to imagine how I’m going to feel on that day, I don’t think that there is word for the feeling yet, at least not one I can imagine. Well, I have 5 days of Prometrium left this cycle and then hopefully (knock on wood) AF will show within 4 days after that and I can get on with testing for the elusive line of a positive OPK.

AF arrival makes me plan - ha ha plans...

Finally today the 4th AF arrived. So my last prometrium pill was on March 31st, should have started AF on April 1st but it waited until today. I’m actually ok with all of that, yeah it was 4 days later than it should have been, but its here and holy cow it’s only 4 days later than it should be!!! So now the OPK testing will start… My plan (laughter here, because my plans never go as planned) is to test this month and see if I ovulate, start the evil prometrium (oh my goodness does that stuff make my eyes itch!!! Ugh!) on CD-15 thru CD-28, hopefully AF will show 1-4 days later, I’ll test for ovulation again in the month of May, start the prometruim round again and then in June – JUNE is our get busy month (that is if I’m ovulating and all that good stuff and don’t have to travel down the Clomid route, but I’m attempting to be positive, so if all goes as mother nature intended with the help of prometrium of course, we should be seriously TTC in JUNE, and if lightning strikes and we get our BFP on our first try we’d be looking at a March baby. Meaning that this time next year I could have a new baby. Everyone please knock on wood.

Today...

I went to a baby shower today for a very dear friend, I only got teary eyed once, so I guess I did pretty well. It was at times hard, the last time we had gotten together we were both pregnant, she 16 weeks, me 12, we’d compared bellies or the lack there of and talked about all the fun we’d have being pregnant together. Now she’s 36 weeks, and I keep thinking I should only have 8 weeks left, instead I’m waiting to see if the prometruim will work and if on April 1st I’ll get AF.

She looked beautiful, the cutest little basketball belly ever. I put my hand on her tummy and felt her baby move and felt my heart twist. Watching her in those moments when the conversation was buzzing with each moms birth stories, and she sitting back rubbing her belly in that perfectly content zone, probably not hearing what anyone had to say, feeling her baby and just being in the place of bliss, reminded me of how I do want to try again, how desperately I want to have another child.

After the party was over she walked me outside and asked how I was, she’s just that kind of friend, to be concerned, to know that it would have hurt worse to have not been invited yet she knew I was hurting being there all the same, we talked for a bit and as always, I felt better for just being in her presence. I’m glad I went, I’m glad that I was able to surround myself with her good energy and I’m glad that I realized that while I’m terrified, I want to try again.

Coming out of hiding…

It’s just really not in me to post right now. I’m ok, I’m not ok, I’m just getting by.

I saw the Dr. on the 17th and she started me on Prometrium. I take 200MG at bedtime for 14 days starting on CD 15. The plan is to see if this will regulate my cycle and then to see if I’m ovulating on my own. I’ve ordered mass quantities of OPK’s. Today is my 8th day of the prometrium so “theoretically” I should get AF on April 1st (ha April Fool’s day – figures…) anyway, we’ll see what happens and if I do in fact ovulate on my own early enough in my cycle. My guess is that I won’t and then with starting the Prometrium 14 days later that AF will just start again on a normal 28 day cycle only my body will just skip ovulation completely. We’ll see….

Not just a little crazy…

**** This post kind of goes way off topic of my normal stuff, I’m fighting a pretty emotional and mental battle right now, and needed a place to get it out. It may be difficult in parts to read.****

In years past I had a picture in my head of what the emotional part of my brain looks like, it’s a little me in a small room. The room has a single bulb hanging from the ceiling, a door that’s barricaded with boards and walls that are patched, seems repaired and covered, boarded over, bricked over. While the walls are holding back whatever it is the presses from the outside, they appear to be week, needing constant repair. The little me in that room is always in motion, fixing walls, shoring up the leaks, running from one side to the other to keep the bad stuff out.

When I first met my husband the room was in major shambles, gaping holes, the door was open, off its hinges. Rather than fixing the walls the little me in my head was laying in a heap on the floor, paralyzed with fear, unable to function. The real me acted out on a regular basis, drank to much, looked for love in all the wrong places, I was a cutter at the time and still hold the scars on my wrists and thighs, I tried to commit suicide on a couple of occasions and ended up at the ripe old age of 20 in a mental hospital. My husband was the first person in my life to stand by me, to not abuse me or hurt me, to keep me safe. He stayed through the crazy and showed me how to pick the little me in my head up off that floor and repair the walls, to block the door and keep the bad out.

Five and half years later my son was born and for the first time in my life the bad stopped pressing on the walls, it backed away from the door and I felt better than I ever had in my life. I had feared that motherhood would affect me the complete opposite, that I’d be a PPD mess, but I wasn’t, I was the calmest I had ever been.

Today, and for the last 73 days, I’ve felt my walls crumbling, the pounding is back at the door and I can’t make it go away. I feel like the loss, the emotional part of grieving, the pain in my heart from loosing this baby, is opening up and bringing back all of the demons I thought I had laid to rest, locked out of the room in my head. I find the little me in my head, in my small little room standing in the center, hands over ears, eyes clenched shut as my walls crumble, the boards on the door loosen. I feel like I’m on the edge of being consumed.

I hold on to my son and my husband, clinging to them as a reminder, my life raft of the good in my life, searching for the calm I had found and I just can’t get back there, I’m sinking. I’m fighting every day from falling back into the comfortable yet dangerous habits of the past. I know that I have so much to live for, not just to live for but to live WELL for, my heart knows that with out a doubt. I’d even say that my head knows that, but there is this voice, this feeling that tells me how to protect myself from this pain, how cutting or drinking would make it better “It would feel so good, or they'd be better off with out you...”

I tell myself out loud, “I will not listen to you” but it’s there and it’s so strong. A vicious cycle ensues, how can I feel like this, how can I think this when I really have such a great life, a husband who loves me and I love to the ends of the earth, a man that supports me, keeps me safe and stands by my side, a son who is the center of my world, my life, my heart, my love. How crazy must I be to even have these thoughts, when this life I lead is so very charmed? But that’s just it… How crazy must I be?? My biggest fear is that the demons of my childhood will never release their grip, that I’ll never shake free and completely patch up my room, and that before I know it the “crazy” will consume me.

Try??

It’s a little over 2 weeks until my next OB appointment. The one where we’ll talk about what next, what steps we will or can take to get pregnant again. I’m petrified. My hubby wants to try again as soon as we can, I wonder if we need more time? I don’t want to spend my pregnancy, if I’m so lucky to get pregnant again, worried and scarred and freaked out. I want to be able to enjoy it and not worry and continue to work-out and be as normal as possible (which lets face it, normal is not really me to begin with!). I want a guarantee that this won’t happen again, and I know it’s impossible to get that. I wish I had more concrete answers as to what went wrong with our baby boy, I wish we knew for sure, 100% for sure that it was just some rare genetic fluke, I wish we were 100% sure that it wouldn’t happen, couldn’t happen again. I still feel guilty, I’ve been told about a billion times that it’s not my fault, I’ve told myself that hundreds of times and yet everyday I wake up feeling guilty, feeling like my body failed, I did something wrong, like it will happen again…

When do you try again or is the real question, DO you try again??

2 months.

It’s hard to believe I said goodbye to you 2 months ago. Some days it feels much longer ago than that, other days it feels as if it were just yesterday. Today I find myself feeling very somber, very sad. I miss you so much. I look down and miss my swelling tummy, I miss your kicks, I miss Dr. appointments and listening for your heartbeat. I wish so badly that you were still safely tucked inside me, growing, kicking, living. I want nothing more than to show you how much I love you, to hold you tight and kiss your face, to rock you to sleep and witness your first smiles. I’d give anything for you to be able to hear just once that I love you, oh how I love you. I wonder if this pain will ever leave, will it ever dull? I think about trying for another baby but the truth is, I don’t want another baby, I want you. You were perfect for me, all I ever wanted, all I ever needed. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, not an hour goes by that my heart doesn’t bleed for you. I miss you sweet boy so very very much.

Along for the ride…

I’ve been all over the board emotionally lately. Normal right? I guess. Some days, like yesterday for example, I have good days. I get to the gym, I spend time with my 3 year old, I clean the house and make a nice dinner. Then there are days like this past weekend, where I can’t function. I cry over everything, I have no patience what so ever, I’m angry, I check out emotionally. I hate those days, I feel so guilty for my grief, guilty that it takes away from the son I am so fortunate to have, guilty that it makes me short tempered with my hubby. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Then again, I wake up on days like today and feel guilty for having a good day yesterday. Guilty that I can function, guilty that I can think about trying again, guilty for laughing, smiling, feeling ok, when here I am, without my baby growing inside me.

I’m tired of the highs and the lows. I want for this ride to be over. I want the pain to go away, to be able to take a breath with out feeling as if my chest will cave in. I want my baby back.

(.)

Today I started my first cycle after my miscarriage. I’m relieved and angry and sad and depressed. On one hand I’m relieved, it’s here, it’s only been 53 days since we lost our son so it’s a pretty short cycle for me, now I have 33 days until my OB appointment and I feel like we can move on if we choose too. On the other hand it’s just another slap in the face, another kick in the teeth, that screams “Hey, you DON’T have a baby growing inside you anymore!!” and that sucks. I’ve had a rough week, probably due to the extra hormones and the onset of this cycle. I would really like to get back to a good place, the place where I feel as if I can try again, that it will be ok to get pregnant again. I want so bad to get back to dreaming and hoping and thinking that maybe just maybe things can work out. Mostly though, I’m just scarred and emotional and upset.

Good Days / Bad Days.

I started this blog after a string of good days. Days where I really felt like jumping back on the baby bandwagon, days where, while I was still sad, I really felt in control and ok. Now I re-read the things I wrote and wonder what was wrong with me, I sounded so happy, so flippant. I do want to have another child, I know how amazingly fortunate I am for the son that I do have. I miss the baby we lost with every ounce of my soul, and the past few days have been so rough. My second son is on my mind, I feel such an emptiness in my abdomen, I wonder if it’s like a lost limb, I sometimes feel like he’s still there, I sometimes feel what should be kicks, I know that sounds insane. I wake up at night on my belly or on my back and instantly think how I need to roll to my side for the baby, or I say no to soft drinks, too much caffeine for the baby, only to realize, there is no baby. There is no baby.

I don’t know if Operation Secret Baby – which at the moment sounds incredibly crass and nauseating will continue. I don’t know if there will be another baby, if we will even try. I just don’t know.

Missing…

Monday’s blow. I lost our baby boy on a Monday. No matter how hard I try, I’m always awake in the early hours of Monday reliving those moments, the moments of knowing it was over. The hysterical moment of seeing our baby for first time, being terrified, freaking out about what to do, how to get him to the hospital, knowing that it was too late and that there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do. I should be feeling my sweet boy kick right now inside me, I should be decorating a nursery and buying baby clothes, I should be researching the newest products, not researching on how to cope, how to deal with grief. Today I’m mad again, I thought I was over the mad, but I’m not. I’m angry that I’m not pregnant, I’m angry that I’ll never get to hold my son. I’m furious that my 3 year old will never have his little brother. Today it all feels like it’s not fair. I have nothing but a teeny tiny urn with the smallest smidgen of ashes you’ve ever imagined. That’s it. I don’t even have a memory of holding him because I never did, all I did was scoop him out of the toilet and lay him in a tupper – a tupper for goodness sake. I should have held him, I hate myself for not holding him. Now I cling to urn, not even the urn, but the box the urn is in, because I can’t stand to look at the urn itself. So I cling to box, a box that is now tear stained and frayed around the edges, I hold onto it for dear life and wonder if I can really go through with trying again. Is it right, is it fair, can I do it??

Strategy…

Get it? Strategy?? You know because of Operation: Secret Baby. Am I taking the whole operation part of my title too seriously? You’ll know I’ve gone to far when I start referring to the hubby as “The General”.

Moving On…

We are 6 weeks past the M/C & D&C. I have yet to have my cycle yet, which is really no surprise, I’m about as regular and on time as the cable repair man. I was on cycle day (CD) 65 when I finally ovulated (O’d) for the baby we lost. So needless to say who knows when AF will show? I have an appointment with my OB on 3/17 to discuss what to do next. She mentioned progesterone to regulate (with a side of estrogen for what I’m not sure??) and she also mentioned Clomid. I’ve been doing some research, google and I are totally BFF’s, and from my research I’m well… confused. I obviously ovulate pretty late in my cycle (hello day 65), which makes me wonder if when I do ovulate if the egg quality is shabby?? Also, I’m worried that if we go to progesterone will I even ovulate, and if I do will I have a long enough luteal phase? I so should find a new BFF right? I’ve got a list (er.. notebook) of questions and concerns to talk to her about in March. I really like (love) and trust her so I’m sure I’ll follow her willingly down the path she deems best.

So what to do until then? Well, other than obsessing (I mean obviously) I’m trying to get myself as healthy as humanly possible. I’ve been working out like I’m a classic gym rat, spinning, weights, running, 8 mile hikes – and honestly I feel great. I also know that the working out is helping with the depression from loosing our sweet boy. I’m also trying very hard to eat as clean as possible, cutting out processed foods, sugar, white flour, etc… it’s not easy, because well, it’s just not. The bad stuff is easy and comfortable, but I’m trying and honestly seeing the rewards of my hard work already. My jeans are looser, my muscles are actually visible, and I feel, well, I feel good.

Feeling good of course leads to a whole new issue with feeling guilty for feeling good, when I think I should feel like it’s impossible to feel good. Grief is fickle and mean and awful like that, but hey, that’s a whole other post for later!

What is Operation: Secret Baby??

First and Foremost Welcome to Operation: Secret Baby!!

Our Story...

We found out we were expecting our second child in the fall of 2008, everything went well, I was sick, sick, sick, sick and loving every minute of it. At my 12 week appointment we couldn’t hear a heartbeat on the doppler so my OB took me back for a quick ultra-sound. During that U/S (I was 12 weeks 4 days to be exact) we saw a nice strong heartbeat and a very bouncy, squiggly, wiggly baby. I soon started feeling the effects of morning sickness wearing off, it was the middle of December and I was feeling great! On the evening of the 20th (Saturday) I noticed some light brown spotting, a quick call to my OB and she calmed my nerves saying that brown spotting is not really anything to worry about. My next appointment was actually scheduled for Monday morning, so we figured we’d check to make sure everything was fine then, but she felt confident that it would be. On Sunday the 21st, the brown spotting continued and I had mild cramps on and off all day. I remember telling my hubby that I wanted to go to bed early so that morning and my Dr. appointment would come faster. That night I woke up around 2:00a.m. when I went to the bathroom there was more brown and blackish spotting, I was worried. I just felt like something was really really wrong. I went back to bed, but couldn’t sleep. At 3:49a.m. I felt a pop, when I got up out of bed, I knew instantly that my water had broke. We frantically called my OB, the brown blood turned bright red and there was a lot of it. She did her best to calm me down and said that I should head to the E.R., I was only 16.5 weeks along. I hung up the phone and while still on the toilet bawled in my husband’s arms. I knew it was over, but somehow I still felt hopeful that maybe, just maybe we would be ok. The hopeful moment lasted only seconds, I looked down to see that I had delivered our beautiful baby boy into the toilet. That next few seconds/minutes I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. No one should ever have to scoop there baby out of the toilet. We made our way to the E.R. with our baby boy in a Tupperware bowl, I was numb. A D&C was performed because I didn’t know if I had passed my placenta or not, I never looked for it, we were focused on the baby only. During the D&C there was no placenta or pieces of tissue found, just blood clots, so I must have delivered that at home and flushed it with out realizing it.

In the E.R. we were told our baby was going to be taken to Pathology. We assumed that meant that they would do a full report, we were not informed that we had to specifically request genetic testing. It wasn’t until we had our baby transferred to a funeral home for cremation that we got the pathology report and found out we could have done genetic testing if would have requested it. The pathology report only showed that the baby stopped developing and growing around 12 weeks, and was assumed to have passed away less than a week before delivery (somewhere around 15.5 weeks). A full work up for auto-immune or any infections was done on me and all came back negative. My doctors ruled out incompetent cervix, because we have our 3 year old that I carried to term with no problems, and are leaning to more the thoughts of the miscarriage being caused by a defect with the baby, causing it to pass away and my body to go into labor. There was no placenta to test so we don’t know and can’t assume there was anything up with it.

So here we are 6 weeks later. I’m trying to be patient with myself and my grief. I’m trying to keep busy and move forward. I know that in my heart I will always carry my 2nd son. Not a day will pass that I don’t think of him, that I won’t grieve for him. I’m trying with all my might to not let my grief get in the way of being a good wife to my husband, and a good mom to my 3 year old son. I desperately want to try again, to have a second child, a sibling for my son, another child to complete our family.

So now you may wonder, Why Operation: Secret Baby??

When we started trying to get pregnant everyone knew, and everyone asked me every time they talked to me, if was pregnant yet. When we found out, we told everyone. The task of telling everyone we knew that we had lost the baby was grueling, there were people who didn’t know before they had sent e-mails asking how my pregnancy was, who sent cards congratulating us for our news of expecting. Who sent presents for the new baby on the way, all with-in days of us loosing the baby. The pain was un-bearable at times. There are still people we haven’t told, people we rarely see or talk to, but at some point we’re going to have to tell them and it just sucks. So… this time around we’re not telling anyone that we’re trying (or going to start trying soon), and if and when I get pregnant we’re not telling anyone for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. All of my family and most of my hubby’s are in different states so they won’t know until I’m at least at a viable stage. The friends and family that we do see, well I won’t tell them until I’m really showing and then I plan on avoiding them for a month or so. I’d truly like to get to 24 weeks before we tell anyone.

AND…. Well I have to talk about it somewhere! And I want a nice record of everything so that when I do break the news everyone can come back and catch up, so thus… Operation: Secret Baby was born!!

I know that I’ll anonymously share this blog with others, from leaving comments on other blogs I love, etc… I’m sure that someone will find me and read and maybe even keep up with me, if I do in fact end up pregnant. It’s not my intent in anyway to hurt my friends and family that I’m not going to tell for awhile, I know how hard this has been on all of them and I just feel that this time around, we need to keep it on the low. I hope that in a few months all of you that I love so much will be reading this post, starting at the beginning so excited to have heard the good news, ready to read through my journey. I love you all so much.

(((Hugs)))
O.S.B.