Trust…

Well AF arrived, a day and a half later than expected, but showed none the less. It made me realize just how little I trust my own body, but then again, how do you trust something that failed you so dramatically. I know that I’m going to try to conceive again soon but I’m so scared, I’m terrified to put that trust in my body. I’m frightened to go on faith, on trust…

Lately I tend to feel a little more panicky. I feel like there is a major meltdown just under the surface, I’m not sure if it’s the weeks closing in so fast on my due date, or that my friend who I was “supposed” to be pregnant with just had her baby, or what, but I feel this bubble in my head, in my mind, and it feels like if at any moment it might pop. Some days I can’t believe that this is me, this is my life now, I carry with me a child in my heart and only in my heart and it just feels so wrong. I feel like I look for constant distraction and it’s driving me insane. I’m so blessed in my life and I know that, I see it all around me in the smiles of my older son, who is my heart, my light, my life, and I wonder how can I feel this sadness, this pain when I have him, but it’s there and it’s real and it’s at moments so consuming that I fear I’m failing my live son, my live husband, the people who need me most, and I just don’t know what to do, or how to do it. I keep thinking after June 5th, my due date will have passed, I’ll be able to move on, but then will it just be, “he should be a week, a month, a year…” I wonder if getting pregnant and possibly having another will help, or what if the worst happens and I lose another, how could I ever handle that, I think I’d lose it completely and yet, I know very well it could happen. Bottom line, I’m scared, I’m scared for so many things.