Due.

Today was your due date, I can’t believe it’s already here, I can’t believe I lost you so long ago, it still feels like it was just yesterday. In some ways today is not as bad I as I thought it might be and in some ways it’s worse. I want to be hopeful for the future, I want to be content with carrying you in memory, in my heart, but I’m not quite there yet. I still want you in my arms, I want to feel you, to kiss you, to be your mommy. Your big brother still asks about you, he doesn’t quite understand heaven and why he can’t just go there and get you back for me. He tells me, “Mommy, since you lost your baby, I’ll be your baby”, and it’s the sweetest thing and it breaks my heart all over again. I’ve tried so hard to keep my pain from him, but I know it’s seeped through and I’m sorry for that. Your daddy and I are going to try again for another baby, not to replace you because no one or nothing ever could, but to add to our family. Another baby will never erase our memories of you, the dreams we had for you and of you, you will always ALWAYS be our son, it doesn’t matter to us that you never had life outside of mommy’s womb, you are our son, and we love you. I’m so angry that you are not here with us, I’m so angry that there is nothing I can do to fix it, to change it, to bring you back. Ok, so maybe today just is as hard as I thought it would be, the truth is today sucks and really every single day since 12/22/08 has sucked, it’s not right, you should be here with me, I should be exhausted from sleepless nights and in desperate need of a shower. You should be snuggled beside me, in my arms, sleeping on my chest, not in a cold urn on a shelf. I’m sorry sweetheart, but I’m still angry and I can’t shake it and I want to move on and be ok, because I know that’s what you expect of me, to be ok and live my life, but right now all I want is you. I want our family of four, I want you.