Time

Time heals… Just give yourself some time… In time you’ll feel better…

Time right this moment is not helping, it’s hurting. I can’t help but think, would he be here, would he have come early, would we be scheduled for a c-section this Wednesday like originally planned, would I have opted to wait and attempt a vbac, would I already be home, holding him, nursing him?? I often find my arms feeling so empty, my body so empty – where is my baby they scream, why are we not full!?!? I don’t know how to stop this pain, I don’t believe in time, time doesn’t help, time just takes me farther and farther away from him.

Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I hate that you were taken from me so early, too early for you to make it on your own, you needed more time, we needed more time, so much more. I can’t help but dream of what could have been, what it would have been like to have you home, to hold you and bathe you and nurse you just like we did with your big brother. I can’t help but dream of what it would have been like to see him hold you and love you and press kisses to your forehead. I wish that I had the answers baby, I wish that I could change the past, that I could make it different, that you could be here. I need you so much, I want you so much. Carrying you in my heart is not enough, I want you in my arms, I want you here. I’m so sorry sweet boy, so so sorry.

Love,
Momma