Clomid – Round 1

So far – well, nothing really…?

Today is CD-10, I finished my clomid 3 days ago, I’ve yet to have a single side effect, no headaches, no hot flashes, not ovary pains/twinges etc… Everything has been seemingly normal if not good. I read somewhere that you should drink a lot of water while on clomid (to help reduce headaches) so I’ve been drinking a ton and maybe it’s working? OR, maybe the clomid is not going to work for me at all?? I started OPK’s today to see if we’ll actually ovulate, I so don’t trust my body though, so I’m doubtful. Next cycle (if this one doesn’t work) we’ll go to 100mg of Clomid, then 200mg the 3rd cycle if I’m still not ovulating after that, my OB said she’d send me to an RE. I don’t think we’ll go that far though, if these next 3 months (cycles) don’t produce a pregnancy and God willing a baby, we’re done. We have one son who we know that we’re incredibly fortunate and blessed to have, and while we’d love for him to have a sibling and for our family to feel more complete, there’s only so much we can emotionally handle.

I wish I could stay positive and not be feeling like I already need to prepare for all of this to fail, I am only on CD10, but I think the lack of side effects has me feeling like it’s not going to work. I should be thankful that I’m not miserable and instead I feel like a failure because I’m not. Insane right?? It’s just hard when every message board, everything I read, everyone I talk to is going on and on about how their side effects started immediately after taking their first clomid pill, and here I am with nothing – I feel broken and left out and odd and like it must not be working for me. Sigh…

Maybe the universe decided to throw me a bone?? Maybe clomid will work with out the side effects and someday I’ll look back and laugh at how silly I am/was?? Maybe just maybe I’ll end up with a sibling for my son, another child for our angel to watch over from heaven, maybe just maybe someday I’ll learn to trust my body, or believe in its ability to do what it was made to do, or at least maybe someday I’ll just be ok with the way things are, maybe I’ll accept that my life is not what I dreamed, but just as wonderful and blessed all the same. Every day is a struggle, every day I miss our 2nd son, every day I long to carry our 3rd child, to give our son a sibling. Yeah, everyday is a struggle.