So...

Well, here we are at CD23, I’ve peed on about 127 OPK’s and they’ve all come up a blaring NEG. Surprised?? Not so much. I kind of knew this would happen; the part that sucks the worst is that I have to do it all over again next cycle. My Dr. wants two full cycles of Prometrium (devil drug) and checking for ovulation before moving on to Clomid. Which hey by the way, I’ve never gone down the Clomid path before, so if you’re reading and you have, by all means feel free to share your experiences. I mean, I’ve googled until my brain hurts, but it’s just different hearing real life experiences. Ya know??

The 22nd marked 4 months since we lost our angel. He’s now been officially gone longer than he was with me. Wow, that really sucked to type. I think overall I’m doing ok, but there are still days or moments where I feel just so heartbreakingly sad. I pulled his urn out today for the first time in quite awhile, usually I just hold the box that it’s in, not quite able to hold the actual urn, it always feels so cold. Today though, I was able to hold it for awhile, it’s always shocking to me just how tiny it is. When we originally decided to have him cremated we had thoughts of scattering his ashes, not realizing that there really wouldn’t be ashes left, I was shocked the first time we opened the urn, inside is a small plastic bag that has the metal tag for cremation and the smallest amount of ashes you can imagine, which I know logically makes sense, I mean he was so teeny tiny, but it’s still pretty much like getting punched in the gut to see just the few little ashes that are left.

I had thought that I would want to be pregnant again before my due date, and I know now that it’s not going to happen and I’m ok with that. I can’t even begin to imagine how I’m going to feel on that day, I don’t think that there is word for the feeling yet, at least not one I can imagine. Well, I have 5 days of Prometrium left this cycle and then hopefully (knock on wood) AF will show within 4 days after that and I can get on with testing for the elusive line of a positive OPK.

AF arrival makes me plan - ha ha plans...

Finally today the 4th AF arrived. So my last prometrium pill was on March 31st, should have started AF on April 1st but it waited until today. I’m actually ok with all of that, yeah it was 4 days later than it should have been, but its here and holy cow it’s only 4 days later than it should be!!! So now the OPK testing will start… My plan (laughter here, because my plans never go as planned) is to test this month and see if I ovulate, start the evil prometrium (oh my goodness does that stuff make my eyes itch!!! Ugh!) on CD-15 thru CD-28, hopefully AF will show 1-4 days later, I’ll test for ovulation again in the month of May, start the prometruim round again and then in June – JUNE is our get busy month (that is if I’m ovulating and all that good stuff and don’t have to travel down the Clomid route, but I’m attempting to be positive, so if all goes as mother nature intended with the help of prometrium of course, we should be seriously TTC in JUNE, and if lightning strikes and we get our BFP on our first try we’d be looking at a March baby. Meaning that this time next year I could have a new baby. Everyone please knock on wood.