Good Days / Bad Days.

I started this blog after a string of good days. Days where I really felt like jumping back on the baby bandwagon, days where, while I was still sad, I really felt in control and ok. Now I re-read the things I wrote and wonder what was wrong with me, I sounded so happy, so flippant. I do want to have another child, I know how amazingly fortunate I am for the son that I do have. I miss the baby we lost with every ounce of my soul, and the past few days have been so rough. My second son is on my mind, I feel such an emptiness in my abdomen, I wonder if it’s like a lost limb, I sometimes feel like he’s still there, I sometimes feel what should be kicks, I know that sounds insane. I wake up at night on my belly or on my back and instantly think how I need to roll to my side for the baby, or I say no to soft drinks, too much caffeine for the baby, only to realize, there is no baby. There is no baby.

I don’t know if Operation Secret Baby – which at the moment sounds incredibly crass and nauseating will continue. I don’t know if there will be another baby, if we will even try. I just don’t know.