What is Operation: Secret Baby??

First and Foremost Welcome to Operation: Secret Baby!!

Our Story...

We found out we were expecting our second child in the fall of 2008, everything went well, I was sick, sick, sick, sick and loving every minute of it. At my 12 week appointment we couldn’t hear a heartbeat on the doppler so my OB took me back for a quick ultra-sound. During that U/S (I was 12 weeks 4 days to be exact) we saw a nice strong heartbeat and a very bouncy, squiggly, wiggly baby. I soon started feeling the effects of morning sickness wearing off, it was the middle of December and I was feeling great! On the evening of the 20th (Saturday) I noticed some light brown spotting, a quick call to my OB and she calmed my nerves saying that brown spotting is not really anything to worry about. My next appointment was actually scheduled for Monday morning, so we figured we’d check to make sure everything was fine then, but she felt confident that it would be. On Sunday the 21st, the brown spotting continued and I had mild cramps on and off all day. I remember telling my hubby that I wanted to go to bed early so that morning and my Dr. appointment would come faster. That night I woke up around 2:00a.m. when I went to the bathroom there was more brown and blackish spotting, I was worried. I just felt like something was really really wrong. I went back to bed, but couldn’t sleep. At 3:49a.m. I felt a pop, when I got up out of bed, I knew instantly that my water had broke. We frantically called my OB, the brown blood turned bright red and there was a lot of it. She did her best to calm me down and said that I should head to the E.R., I was only 16.5 weeks along. I hung up the phone and while still on the toilet bawled in my husband’s arms. I knew it was over, but somehow I still felt hopeful that maybe, just maybe we would be ok. The hopeful moment lasted only seconds, I looked down to see that I had delivered our beautiful baby boy into the toilet. That next few seconds/minutes I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. No one should ever have to scoop there baby out of the toilet. We made our way to the E.R. with our baby boy in a Tupperware bowl, I was numb. A D&C was performed because I didn’t know if I had passed my placenta or not, I never looked for it, we were focused on the baby only. During the D&C there was no placenta or pieces of tissue found, just blood clots, so I must have delivered that at home and flushed it with out realizing it.

In the E.R. we were told our baby was going to be taken to Pathology. We assumed that meant that they would do a full report, we were not informed that we had to specifically request genetic testing. It wasn’t until we had our baby transferred to a funeral home for cremation that we got the pathology report and found out we could have done genetic testing if would have requested it. The pathology report only showed that the baby stopped developing and growing around 12 weeks, and was assumed to have passed away less than a week before delivery (somewhere around 15.5 weeks). A full work up for auto-immune or any infections was done on me and all came back negative. My doctors ruled out incompetent cervix, because we have our 3 year old that I carried to term with no problems, and are leaning to more the thoughts of the miscarriage being caused by a defect with the baby, causing it to pass away and my body to go into labor. There was no placenta to test so we don’t know and can’t assume there was anything up with it.

So here we are 6 weeks later. I’m trying to be patient with myself and my grief. I’m trying to keep busy and move forward. I know that in my heart I will always carry my 2nd son. Not a day will pass that I don’t think of him, that I won’t grieve for him. I’m trying with all my might to not let my grief get in the way of being a good wife to my husband, and a good mom to my 3 year old son. I desperately want to try again, to have a second child, a sibling for my son, another child to complete our family.

So now you may wonder, Why Operation: Secret Baby??

When we started trying to get pregnant everyone knew, and everyone asked me every time they talked to me, if was pregnant yet. When we found out, we told everyone. The task of telling everyone we knew that we had lost the baby was grueling, there were people who didn’t know before they had sent e-mails asking how my pregnancy was, who sent cards congratulating us for our news of expecting. Who sent presents for the new baby on the way, all with-in days of us loosing the baby. The pain was un-bearable at times. There are still people we haven’t told, people we rarely see or talk to, but at some point we’re going to have to tell them and it just sucks. So… this time around we’re not telling anyone that we’re trying (or going to start trying soon), and if and when I get pregnant we’re not telling anyone for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. All of my family and most of my hubby’s are in different states so they won’t know until I’m at least at a viable stage. The friends and family that we do see, well I won’t tell them until I’m really showing and then I plan on avoiding them for a month or so. I’d truly like to get to 24 weeks before we tell anyone.

AND…. Well I have to talk about it somewhere! And I want a nice record of everything so that when I do break the news everyone can come back and catch up, so thus… Operation: Secret Baby was born!!

I know that I’ll anonymously share this blog with others, from leaving comments on other blogs I love, etc… I’m sure that someone will find me and read and maybe even keep up with me, if I do in fact end up pregnant. It’s not my intent in anyway to hurt my friends and family that I’m not going to tell for awhile, I know how hard this has been on all of them and I just feel that this time around, we need to keep it on the low. I hope that in a few months all of you that I love so much will be reading this post, starting at the beginning so excited to have heard the good news, ready to read through my journey. I love you all so much.

(((Hugs)))
O.S.B.