Scheduled.

I held on to the phone for a good 10 minutes before I got up the nerve to call. AF is due on June 5th, of all days right, why not be my due date, figures. I kept telling myself, if she (Dr.) can’t get me in before the 5th then we’ll just wait another month, maybe we should just wait another month, maybe we should just wait forever…. So I called, and she can see me on the 1st….

We’re moving forward (most likely with clomid). I’m terrified that it won’t work, I’m terrified that it will.

Time

Time heals… Just give yourself some time… In time you’ll feel better…

Time right this moment is not helping, it’s hurting. I can’t help but think, would he be here, would he have come early, would we be scheduled for a c-section this Wednesday like originally planned, would I have opted to wait and attempt a vbac, would I already be home, holding him, nursing him?? I often find my arms feeling so empty, my body so empty – where is my baby they scream, why are we not full!?!? I don’t know how to stop this pain, I don’t believe in time, time doesn’t help, time just takes me farther and farther away from him.

Dear Sweet Baby Boy,
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you. I hate that you were taken from me so early, too early for you to make it on your own, you needed more time, we needed more time, so much more. I can’t help but dream of what could have been, what it would have been like to have you home, to hold you and bathe you and nurse you just like we did with your big brother. I can’t help but dream of what it would have been like to see him hold you and love you and press kisses to your forehead. I wish that I had the answers baby, I wish that I could change the past, that I could make it different, that you could be here. I need you so much, I want you so much. Carrying you in my heart is not enough, I want you in my arms, I want you here. I’m so sorry sweet boy, so so sorry.

Love,
Momma

Mother’s Day…

Mother’s day was very different for me this year. It was good, it was sad, it was just another day. On one hand I have my beautiful boy, he’s 3 and full of life and love and happiness and I don’t know where I’d be without him. He made me a momma, he’s taught me all about unconditional love and enjoying the moment, so for him the day was wonderful and a day of being thankful for all that I have. On the other hand, I kept thinking about our angel, our sweet little Gavin who should have been happily kicking me from the inside on mother’s day, who should be making his debut so soon. No one mentioned him all day and that sort of made me even sadder. I didn’t expect anyone too really, but I thought maybe. My hubby always helps my son make me a homemade mother’s day card and while it was beautiful and I loved it and will always cherish it, I know without a doubt that if I was still carrying Gavin, he would have been included in the card as well. I feel like he’s being forgotten, and I get it, I really do, but it’s so hard for me, I’m still not ready to let go, but I have nothing to hold on to. Life goes on, and you have to keep living it, and I want to keep living it, for myself, my son, my husband, for everyone and yet, how can you keep on living, keeping on going, doing, being when a huge part of your heart, your life is missing?

Trust…

Well AF arrived, a day and a half later than expected, but showed none the less. It made me realize just how little I trust my own body, but then again, how do you trust something that failed you so dramatically. I know that I’m going to try to conceive again soon but I’m so scared, I’m terrified to put that trust in my body. I’m frightened to go on faith, on trust…

Lately I tend to feel a little more panicky. I feel like there is a major meltdown just under the surface, I’m not sure if it’s the weeks closing in so fast on my due date, or that my friend who I was “supposed” to be pregnant with just had her baby, or what, but I feel this bubble in my head, in my mind, and it feels like if at any moment it might pop. Some days I can’t believe that this is me, this is my life now, I carry with me a child in my heart and only in my heart and it just feels so wrong. I feel like I look for constant distraction and it’s driving me insane. I’m so blessed in my life and I know that, I see it all around me in the smiles of my older son, who is my heart, my light, my life, and I wonder how can I feel this sadness, this pain when I have him, but it’s there and it’s real and it’s at moments so consuming that I fear I’m failing my live son, my live husband, the people who need me most, and I just don’t know what to do, or how to do it. I keep thinking after June 5th, my due date will have passed, I’ll be able to move on, but then will it just be, “he should be a week, a month, a year…” I wonder if getting pregnant and possibly having another will help, or what if the worst happens and I lose another, how could I ever handle that, I think I’d lose it completely and yet, I know very well it could happen. Bottom line, I’m scared, I’m scared for so many things.

Waiting for AF….

Tic Toc, Tic Toc…

Yeah, so apparently things won’t go as planned. Go figure. No ovulation, now no AF.

I’m so tired of this, why can’t my body just act normal, heck, why can’t my body just act normal when it’s being forced to be normal with chemical substances?!?! F#%k!!!