Try??

It’s a little over 2 weeks until my next OB appointment. The one where we’ll talk about what next, what steps we will or can take to get pregnant again. I’m petrified. My hubby wants to try again as soon as we can, I wonder if we need more time? I don’t want to spend my pregnancy, if I’m so lucky to get pregnant again, worried and scarred and freaked out. I want to be able to enjoy it and not worry and continue to work-out and be as normal as possible (which lets face it, normal is not really me to begin with!). I want a guarantee that this won’t happen again, and I know it’s impossible to get that. I wish I had more concrete answers as to what went wrong with our baby boy, I wish we knew for sure, 100% for sure that it was just some rare genetic fluke, I wish we were 100% sure that it wouldn’t happen, couldn’t happen again. I still feel guilty, I’ve been told about a billion times that it’s not my fault, I’ve told myself that hundreds of times and yet everyday I wake up feeling guilty, feeling like my body failed, I did something wrong, like it will happen again…

When do you try again or is the real question, DO you try again??

2 months.

It’s hard to believe I said goodbye to you 2 months ago. Some days it feels much longer ago than that, other days it feels as if it were just yesterday. Today I find myself feeling very somber, very sad. I miss you so much. I look down and miss my swelling tummy, I miss your kicks, I miss Dr. appointments and listening for your heartbeat. I wish so badly that you were still safely tucked inside me, growing, kicking, living. I want nothing more than to show you how much I love you, to hold you tight and kiss your face, to rock you to sleep and witness your first smiles. I’d give anything for you to be able to hear just once that I love you, oh how I love you. I wonder if this pain will ever leave, will it ever dull? I think about trying for another baby but the truth is, I don’t want another baby, I want you. You were perfect for me, all I ever wanted, all I ever needed. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, not an hour goes by that my heart doesn’t bleed for you. I miss you sweet boy so very very much.

Along for the ride…

I’ve been all over the board emotionally lately. Normal right? I guess. Some days, like yesterday for example, I have good days. I get to the gym, I spend time with my 3 year old, I clean the house and make a nice dinner. Then there are days like this past weekend, where I can’t function. I cry over everything, I have no patience what so ever, I’m angry, I check out emotionally. I hate those days, I feel so guilty for my grief, guilty that it takes away from the son I am so fortunate to have, guilty that it makes me short tempered with my hubby. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Then again, I wake up on days like today and feel guilty for having a good day yesterday. Guilty that I can function, guilty that I can think about trying again, guilty for laughing, smiling, feeling ok, when here I am, without my baby growing inside me.

I’m tired of the highs and the lows. I want for this ride to be over. I want the pain to go away, to be able to take a breath with out feeling as if my chest will cave in. I want my baby back.

(.)

Today I started my first cycle after my miscarriage. I’m relieved and angry and sad and depressed. On one hand I’m relieved, it’s here, it’s only been 53 days since we lost our son so it’s a pretty short cycle for me, now I have 33 days until my OB appointment and I feel like we can move on if we choose too. On the other hand it’s just another slap in the face, another kick in the teeth, that screams “Hey, you DON’T have a baby growing inside you anymore!!” and that sucks. I’ve had a rough week, probably due to the extra hormones and the onset of this cycle. I would really like to get back to a good place, the place where I feel as if I can try again, that it will be ok to get pregnant again. I want so bad to get back to dreaming and hoping and thinking that maybe just maybe things can work out. Mostly though, I’m just scarred and emotional and upset.

Good Days / Bad Days.

I started this blog after a string of good days. Days where I really felt like jumping back on the baby bandwagon, days where, while I was still sad, I really felt in control and ok. Now I re-read the things I wrote and wonder what was wrong with me, I sounded so happy, so flippant. I do want to have another child, I know how amazingly fortunate I am for the son that I do have. I miss the baby we lost with every ounce of my soul, and the past few days have been so rough. My second son is on my mind, I feel such an emptiness in my abdomen, I wonder if it’s like a lost limb, I sometimes feel like he’s still there, I sometimes feel what should be kicks, I know that sounds insane. I wake up at night on my belly or on my back and instantly think how I need to roll to my side for the baby, or I say no to soft drinks, too much caffeine for the baby, only to realize, there is no baby. There is no baby.

I don’t know if Operation Secret Baby – which at the moment sounds incredibly crass and nauseating will continue. I don’t know if there will be another baby, if we will even try. I just don’t know.

Missing…

Monday’s blow. I lost our baby boy on a Monday. No matter how hard I try, I’m always awake in the early hours of Monday reliving those moments, the moments of knowing it was over. The hysterical moment of seeing our baby for first time, being terrified, freaking out about what to do, how to get him to the hospital, knowing that it was too late and that there was nothing, absolutely nothing I could do. I should be feeling my sweet boy kick right now inside me, I should be decorating a nursery and buying baby clothes, I should be researching the newest products, not researching on how to cope, how to deal with grief. Today I’m mad again, I thought I was over the mad, but I’m not. I’m angry that I’m not pregnant, I’m angry that I’ll never get to hold my son. I’m furious that my 3 year old will never have his little brother. Today it all feels like it’s not fair. I have nothing but a teeny tiny urn with the smallest smidgen of ashes you’ve ever imagined. That’s it. I don’t even have a memory of holding him because I never did, all I did was scoop him out of the toilet and lay him in a tupper – a tupper for goodness sake. I should have held him, I hate myself for not holding him. Now I cling to urn, not even the urn, but the box the urn is in, because I can’t stand to look at the urn itself. So I cling to box, a box that is now tear stained and frayed around the edges, I hold onto it for dear life and wonder if I can really go through with trying again. Is it right, is it fair, can I do it??

Strategy…

Get it? Strategy?? You know because of Operation: Secret Baby. Am I taking the whole operation part of my title too seriously? You’ll know I’ve gone to far when I start referring to the hubby as “The General”.

Moving On…

We are 6 weeks past the M/C & D&C. I have yet to have my cycle yet, which is really no surprise, I’m about as regular and on time as the cable repair man. I was on cycle day (CD) 65 when I finally ovulated (O’d) for the baby we lost. So needless to say who knows when AF will show? I have an appointment with my OB on 3/17 to discuss what to do next. She mentioned progesterone to regulate (with a side of estrogen for what I’m not sure??) and she also mentioned Clomid. I’ve been doing some research, google and I are totally BFF’s, and from my research I’m well… confused. I obviously ovulate pretty late in my cycle (hello day 65), which makes me wonder if when I do ovulate if the egg quality is shabby?? Also, I’m worried that if we go to progesterone will I even ovulate, and if I do will I have a long enough luteal phase? I so should find a new BFF right? I’ve got a list (er.. notebook) of questions and concerns to talk to her about in March. I really like (love) and trust her so I’m sure I’ll follow her willingly down the path she deems best.

So what to do until then? Well, other than obsessing (I mean obviously) I’m trying to get myself as healthy as humanly possible. I’ve been working out like I’m a classic gym rat, spinning, weights, running, 8 mile hikes – and honestly I feel great. I also know that the working out is helping with the depression from loosing our sweet boy. I’m also trying very hard to eat as clean as possible, cutting out processed foods, sugar, white flour, etc… it’s not easy, because well, it’s just not. The bad stuff is easy and comfortable, but I’m trying and honestly seeing the rewards of my hard work already. My jeans are looser, my muscles are actually visible, and I feel, well, I feel good.

Feeling good of course leads to a whole new issue with feeling guilty for feeling good, when I think I should feel like it’s impossible to feel good. Grief is fickle and mean and awful like that, but hey, that’s a whole other post for later!

What is Operation: Secret Baby??

First and Foremost Welcome to Operation: Secret Baby!!

Our Story...

We found out we were expecting our second child in the fall of 2008, everything went well, I was sick, sick, sick, sick and loving every minute of it. At my 12 week appointment we couldn’t hear a heartbeat on the doppler so my OB took me back for a quick ultra-sound. During that U/S (I was 12 weeks 4 days to be exact) we saw a nice strong heartbeat and a very bouncy, squiggly, wiggly baby. I soon started feeling the effects of morning sickness wearing off, it was the middle of December and I was feeling great! On the evening of the 20th (Saturday) I noticed some light brown spotting, a quick call to my OB and she calmed my nerves saying that brown spotting is not really anything to worry about. My next appointment was actually scheduled for Monday morning, so we figured we’d check to make sure everything was fine then, but she felt confident that it would be. On Sunday the 21st, the brown spotting continued and I had mild cramps on and off all day. I remember telling my hubby that I wanted to go to bed early so that morning and my Dr. appointment would come faster. That night I woke up around 2:00a.m. when I went to the bathroom there was more brown and blackish spotting, I was worried. I just felt like something was really really wrong. I went back to bed, but couldn’t sleep. At 3:49a.m. I felt a pop, when I got up out of bed, I knew instantly that my water had broke. We frantically called my OB, the brown blood turned bright red and there was a lot of it. She did her best to calm me down and said that I should head to the E.R., I was only 16.5 weeks along. I hung up the phone and while still on the toilet bawled in my husband’s arms. I knew it was over, but somehow I still felt hopeful that maybe, just maybe we would be ok. The hopeful moment lasted only seconds, I looked down to see that I had delivered our beautiful baby boy into the toilet. That next few seconds/minutes I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. No one should ever have to scoop there baby out of the toilet. We made our way to the E.R. with our baby boy in a Tupperware bowl, I was numb. A D&C was performed because I didn’t know if I had passed my placenta or not, I never looked for it, we were focused on the baby only. During the D&C there was no placenta or pieces of tissue found, just blood clots, so I must have delivered that at home and flushed it with out realizing it.

In the E.R. we were told our baby was going to be taken to Pathology. We assumed that meant that they would do a full report, we were not informed that we had to specifically request genetic testing. It wasn’t until we had our baby transferred to a funeral home for cremation that we got the pathology report and found out we could have done genetic testing if would have requested it. The pathology report only showed that the baby stopped developing and growing around 12 weeks, and was assumed to have passed away less than a week before delivery (somewhere around 15.5 weeks). A full work up for auto-immune or any infections was done on me and all came back negative. My doctors ruled out incompetent cervix, because we have our 3 year old that I carried to term with no problems, and are leaning to more the thoughts of the miscarriage being caused by a defect with the baby, causing it to pass away and my body to go into labor. There was no placenta to test so we don’t know and can’t assume there was anything up with it.

So here we are 6 weeks later. I’m trying to be patient with myself and my grief. I’m trying to keep busy and move forward. I know that in my heart I will always carry my 2nd son. Not a day will pass that I don’t think of him, that I won’t grieve for him. I’m trying with all my might to not let my grief get in the way of being a good wife to my husband, and a good mom to my 3 year old son. I desperately want to try again, to have a second child, a sibling for my son, another child to complete our family.

So now you may wonder, Why Operation: Secret Baby??

When we started trying to get pregnant everyone knew, and everyone asked me every time they talked to me, if was pregnant yet. When we found out, we told everyone. The task of telling everyone we knew that we had lost the baby was grueling, there were people who didn’t know before they had sent e-mails asking how my pregnancy was, who sent cards congratulating us for our news of expecting. Who sent presents for the new baby on the way, all with-in days of us loosing the baby. The pain was un-bearable at times. There are still people we haven’t told, people we rarely see or talk to, but at some point we’re going to have to tell them and it just sucks. So… this time around we’re not telling anyone that we’re trying (or going to start trying soon), and if and when I get pregnant we’re not telling anyone for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. All of my family and most of my hubby’s are in different states so they won’t know until I’m at least at a viable stage. The friends and family that we do see, well I won’t tell them until I’m really showing and then I plan on avoiding them for a month or so. I’d truly like to get to 24 weeks before we tell anyone.

AND…. Well I have to talk about it somewhere! And I want a nice record of everything so that when I do break the news everyone can come back and catch up, so thus… Operation: Secret Baby was born!!

I know that I’ll anonymously share this blog with others, from leaving comments on other blogs I love, etc… I’m sure that someone will find me and read and maybe even keep up with me, if I do in fact end up pregnant. It’s not my intent in anyway to hurt my friends and family that I’m not going to tell for awhile, I know how hard this has been on all of them and I just feel that this time around, we need to keep it on the low. I hope that in a few months all of you that I love so much will be reading this post, starting at the beginning so excited to have heard the good news, ready to read through my journey. I love you all so much.

(((Hugs)))
O.S.B.