And just like that…

This cycle is over. AF showed yesterday, CD25 3 days after my positive OPK. What the hell??

I go from ridiculously LONG cycles, to the shortest one of my life. I’m over it, I’m over being stressed out and testing my urine 5 bazillion times a day, I’m over scheduling sex, and taking hormones, I’m over obsessing about every twinge, pain, funny feeling, analyzing, reading, researching. I’m over all of it.

We’ve been blessed to have one child already, he’s beautiful and funny and the light of my life, and maybe that’s all I’m supposed to have, maybe he’s supposed to be an only child, and you know what – that’s ok, it’s just fine, it’s good, and I’m lucky, lucky to have him.

So for now, I’m setting aside the charts, the drugs, the pee sticks. We’ll enjoy our life and if it happens it happens. I’ll be 30 in March, I’m giving myself until then, if we don’t conceive naturally by then, I’ll probably go get an IUD or some type of BC. My hubby will be 42 in November and really we don’t want to end up pregnant when I’m 40 and he’s looking at an early retirement, he doesn’t want to be 53 and starting over with new baby, looking at 60 when that child went to school, so for now I’m handing over all the control, if it happens fantastic, if not that’s ok to.

and I’m sad.

Houston we have ovulation!!

Two lines equally dark – wait, what? Huh? I’ve not seen that before. Hmmmm….

Let me just say thank the Lord I went ahead and bought the digital OPK’s to use as back-up for when the lines on traditional OPK's looked positive, because seeing that smiley face was AWESOME!! I ovulated, granted it’s CD-22 and well, that’s a tad late, but Oh.My.God - I ovulated!! I’m officially in the two week wait!! Bring on the pregnancy pee sticks!! WOOOT!

Kick me while I’m down…

We had to put our beloved 9 year old Lab, to sleep on Saturday. Seriously, I’ve lost way too much in the last 6 months, too much. I miss him so much it hurts, I miss him barking at 4:50 on the dot because he knew daddy would be home at 5:00 to feed him diner. I miss his slobbery kisses, the way he loved ice cubes. I miss the way he inhaled treats and always wanted more. I miss the way he’d always put his paw on my foot and just rest it there. I miss his stinky breath and his big head, the way he loved his belly rubbed and ears scratched – I just miss him so very much.

I don’t think Clomid is working, I’m on CD17 and have yet to get a positive OPK. While the last few days I have had EWCM, the OPK’s still come up obviously negative, I’ve even used the digitals on the days that the test looks even remotely close to being positive, and it always comes up negative, no happy face for me. So I’m guessing that 50mg just wasn’t enough and probably 50,000 wouldn’t be enough either.

Meem's:

April 10, 2000 - June 27, 2009

We miss you so much Meemer's, so much...

Clomid – Round 1

So far – well, nothing really…?

Today is CD-10, I finished my clomid 3 days ago, I’ve yet to have a single side effect, no headaches, no hot flashes, not ovary pains/twinges etc… Everything has been seemingly normal if not good. I read somewhere that you should drink a lot of water while on clomid (to help reduce headaches) so I’ve been drinking a ton and maybe it’s working? OR, maybe the clomid is not going to work for me at all?? I started OPK’s today to see if we’ll actually ovulate, I so don’t trust my body though, so I’m doubtful. Next cycle (if this one doesn’t work) we’ll go to 100mg of Clomid, then 200mg the 3rd cycle if I’m still not ovulating after that, my OB said she’d send me to an RE. I don’t think we’ll go that far though, if these next 3 months (cycles) don’t produce a pregnancy and God willing a baby, we’re done. We have one son who we know that we’re incredibly fortunate and blessed to have, and while we’d love for him to have a sibling and for our family to feel more complete, there’s only so much we can emotionally handle.

I wish I could stay positive and not be feeling like I already need to prepare for all of this to fail, I am only on CD10, but I think the lack of side effects has me feeling like it’s not going to work. I should be thankful that I’m not miserable and instead I feel like a failure because I’m not. Insane right?? It’s just hard when every message board, everything I read, everyone I talk to is going on and on about how their side effects started immediately after taking their first clomid pill, and here I am with nothing – I feel broken and left out and odd and like it must not be working for me. Sigh…

Maybe the universe decided to throw me a bone?? Maybe clomid will work with out the side effects and someday I’ll look back and laugh at how silly I am/was?? Maybe just maybe I’ll end up with a sibling for my son, another child for our angel to watch over from heaven, maybe just maybe someday I’ll learn to trust my body, or believe in its ability to do what it was made to do, or at least maybe someday I’ll just be ok with the way things are, maybe I’ll accept that my life is not what I dreamed, but just as wonderful and blessed all the same. Every day is a struggle, every day I miss our 2nd son, every day I long to carry our 3rd child, to give our son a sibling. Yeah, everyday is a struggle.

Here we go

AF finally showed on CD 39 (Friday the 12th). I guess in the current situation – better late than never. So that makes today – CD3, or the day we start Clomid. I took the first pill about an hour ago, so far so good. I’m nervous, scared, anxious, and a bit in disbelief that it’s finally here, and we’re finally trying again. Deep breaths… So now I’m just wondering how soon the side effects of said clomid will hit, if they even do. Maybe I’ll get lucky?? Ha!!

Waiting…

Today marks CD34, so yeah still waiting on AF. I was all pissy that she should have showed on Friday (my due date) and I was all “how freakin’ great and ironic is that”, and now here I am 2 days later being even more pissy that she didn’t show on the 5th because, “that day sucked anyway, so it just would have fit and where the hell is she, and why is my body so screwed”, so, turns out I’m just pissy. Which could be a sign that AF is going to show, but I doubt it. Why on earth now that I have clomid and I’m finally ready to start trying would my body cooperate and do something correct or natural, oh no, not my screwed up body, it’d never do something NORMAL!!

Grrrrr…..

Due.

Today was your due date, I can’t believe it’s already here, I can’t believe I lost you so long ago, it still feels like it was just yesterday. In some ways today is not as bad I as I thought it might be and in some ways it’s worse. I want to be hopeful for the future, I want to be content with carrying you in memory, in my heart, but I’m not quite there yet. I still want you in my arms, I want to feel you, to kiss you, to be your mommy. Your big brother still asks about you, he doesn’t quite understand heaven and why he can’t just go there and get you back for me. He tells me, “Mommy, since you lost your baby, I’ll be your baby”, and it’s the sweetest thing and it breaks my heart all over again. I’ve tried so hard to keep my pain from him, but I know it’s seeped through and I’m sorry for that. Your daddy and I are going to try again for another baby, not to replace you because no one or nothing ever could, but to add to our family. Another baby will never erase our memories of you, the dreams we had for you and of you, you will always ALWAYS be our son, it doesn’t matter to us that you never had life outside of mommy’s womb, you are our son, and we love you. I’m so angry that you are not here with us, I’m so angry that there is nothing I can do to fix it, to change it, to bring you back. Ok, so maybe today just is as hard as I thought it would be, the truth is today sucks and really every single day since 12/22/08 has sucked, it’s not right, you should be here with me, I should be exhausted from sleepless nights and in desperate need of a shower. You should be snuggled beside me, in my arms, sleeping on my chest, not in a cold urn on a shelf. I’m sorry sweetheart, but I’m still angry and I can’t shake it and I want to move on and be ok, because I know that’s what you expect of me, to be ok and live my life, but right now all I want is you. I want our family of four, I want you.