Kick me while I’m down…

We had to put our beloved 9 year old Lab, to sleep on Saturday. Seriously, I’ve lost way too much in the last 6 months, too much. I miss him so much it hurts, I miss him barking at 4:50 on the dot because he knew daddy would be home at 5:00 to feed him diner. I miss his slobbery kisses, the way he loved ice cubes. I miss the way he inhaled treats and always wanted more. I miss the way he’d always put his paw on my foot and just rest it there. I miss his stinky breath and his big head, the way he loved his belly rubbed and ears scratched – I just miss him so very much.

I don’t think Clomid is working, I’m on CD17 and have yet to get a positive OPK. While the last few days I have had EWCM, the OPK’s still come up obviously negative, I’ve even used the digitals on the days that the test looks even remotely close to being positive, and it always comes up negative, no happy face for me. So I’m guessing that 50mg just wasn’t enough and probably 50,000 wouldn’t be enough either.

Meem's:

April 10, 2000 - June 27, 2009

We miss you so much Meemer's, so much...

Clomid – Round 1

So far – well, nothing really…?

Today is CD-10, I finished my clomid 3 days ago, I’ve yet to have a single side effect, no headaches, no hot flashes, not ovary pains/twinges etc… Everything has been seemingly normal if not good. I read somewhere that you should drink a lot of water while on clomid (to help reduce headaches) so I’ve been drinking a ton and maybe it’s working? OR, maybe the clomid is not going to work for me at all?? I started OPK’s today to see if we’ll actually ovulate, I so don’t trust my body though, so I’m doubtful. Next cycle (if this one doesn’t work) we’ll go to 100mg of Clomid, then 200mg the 3rd cycle if I’m still not ovulating after that, my OB said she’d send me to an RE. I don’t think we’ll go that far though, if these next 3 months (cycles) don’t produce a pregnancy and God willing a baby, we’re done. We have one son who we know that we’re incredibly fortunate and blessed to have, and while we’d love for him to have a sibling and for our family to feel more complete, there’s only so much we can emotionally handle.

I wish I could stay positive and not be feeling like I already need to prepare for all of this to fail, I am only on CD10, but I think the lack of side effects has me feeling like it’s not going to work. I should be thankful that I’m not miserable and instead I feel like a failure because I’m not. Insane right?? It’s just hard when every message board, everything I read, everyone I talk to is going on and on about how their side effects started immediately after taking their first clomid pill, and here I am with nothing – I feel broken and left out and odd and like it must not be working for me. Sigh…

Maybe the universe decided to throw me a bone?? Maybe clomid will work with out the side effects and someday I’ll look back and laugh at how silly I am/was?? Maybe just maybe I’ll end up with a sibling for my son, another child for our angel to watch over from heaven, maybe just maybe someday I’ll learn to trust my body, or believe in its ability to do what it was made to do, or at least maybe someday I’ll just be ok with the way things are, maybe I’ll accept that my life is not what I dreamed, but just as wonderful and blessed all the same. Every day is a struggle, every day I miss our 2nd son, every day I long to carry our 3rd child, to give our son a sibling. Yeah, everyday is a struggle.

Here we go

AF finally showed on CD 39 (Friday the 12th). I guess in the current situation – better late than never. So that makes today – CD3, or the day we start Clomid. I took the first pill about an hour ago, so far so good. I’m nervous, scared, anxious, and a bit in disbelief that it’s finally here, and we’re finally trying again. Deep breaths… So now I’m just wondering how soon the side effects of said clomid will hit, if they even do. Maybe I’ll get lucky?? Ha!!

Waiting…

Today marks CD34, so yeah still waiting on AF. I was all pissy that she should have showed on Friday (my due date) and I was all “how freakin’ great and ironic is that”, and now here I am 2 days later being even more pissy that she didn’t show on the 5th because, “that day sucked anyway, so it just would have fit and where the hell is she, and why is my body so screwed”, so, turns out I’m just pissy. Which could be a sign that AF is going to show, but I doubt it. Why on earth now that I have clomid and I’m finally ready to start trying would my body cooperate and do something correct or natural, oh no, not my screwed up body, it’d never do something NORMAL!!

Grrrrr…..

Due.

Today was your due date, I can’t believe it’s already here, I can’t believe I lost you so long ago, it still feels like it was just yesterday. In some ways today is not as bad I as I thought it might be and in some ways it’s worse. I want to be hopeful for the future, I want to be content with carrying you in memory, in my heart, but I’m not quite there yet. I still want you in my arms, I want to feel you, to kiss you, to be your mommy. Your big brother still asks about you, he doesn’t quite understand heaven and why he can’t just go there and get you back for me. He tells me, “Mommy, since you lost your baby, I’ll be your baby”, and it’s the sweetest thing and it breaks my heart all over again. I’ve tried so hard to keep my pain from him, but I know it’s seeped through and I’m sorry for that. Your daddy and I are going to try again for another baby, not to replace you because no one or nothing ever could, but to add to our family. Another baby will never erase our memories of you, the dreams we had for you and of you, you will always ALWAYS be our son, it doesn’t matter to us that you never had life outside of mommy’s womb, you are our son, and we love you. I’m so angry that you are not here with us, I’m so angry that there is nothing I can do to fix it, to change it, to bring you back. Ok, so maybe today just is as hard as I thought it would be, the truth is today sucks and really every single day since 12/22/08 has sucked, it’s not right, you should be here with me, I should be exhausted from sleepless nights and in desperate need of a shower. You should be snuggled beside me, in my arms, sleeping on my chest, not in a cold urn on a shelf. I’m sorry sweetheart, but I’m still angry and I can’t shake it and I want to move on and be ok, because I know that’s what you expect of me, to be ok and live my life, but right now all I want is you. I want our family of four, I want you.

Here we go…

Met with Dr. today, got a prescription for Clomid 50mg.

We talked a lot about cervical incompetence and how we just really don’t know if that was the case or not with our loss in December, she’s leaning towards no. She agreed that we would keep an eye via u/s on my cervix and if there was any indication in the least bit that it was shortening we would go ahead with a cerclage.

The only thing I’m concerned about (ha! the only thing, yeah right!!) is that she wants me to continue with Prometrium, CD 14-27 even if I ovulate, etc… I’m worried that if I do get pregnant that stopping the extra progesterone at the end of the 2ww (or around 4 weeks gestation) that it could cause me to miscarry. She said no, but from what I’ve read it seems possible. A lot of things I’ve read seem to show that most women on progesterone stay on it for quite some time during their pregnancy, and I’m sure that it’s because their body doesn’t produce the right amount on their own maybe, but with me having cycles that were upwards of 70 days prior to starting the prometrium, and that now that I’m on it, I get AF about 4 days after stopping it (when the progesterone level obviously drops) I’m just worried that, that drop will cause me to miscarry. Then again though, if my body is producing enough (when I truly am pregnant) then it should be fine…. AHHHH!!! Can’t I just get a guarantee!!! Yeah… not so much.

So now we wait for AF and then on to clomid days 3-7, and then the “fun” begins. Wish me luck.

In other news, it’s 4 days away from our angels due date. I still feel like its December 22nd. I can’t believe this much time has gone by so fast.